Creative Writing: Darth Vader vs. Lord Voldemort


Characters: Voldemort and Darth Vader

Setting: Anger management class

Topic: Darth Vader talks about the Resistance and Voldemort talks about the Order of the Phoenix


(Darth Vader and Voldemort are sitting in an anger management class, both look irritated)


Darth Vader: “I can’t believe the Resistance sent me here. This is outrageous!”


Voldemort: You were forced into this torture, too?  I was sent here by my enemies, the Order of the Phoenix for trying to purify the wizard race.  What did you do?


Darth Vader: I helped the Empire keep control of the galaxy and squash the Resistance.  When the Empire was defeated, my son and daughter, Luke and Leia, and the rest of the Resistance put me in here.  I don’t know how this is supposed to help; it’s making me angrier.


Voldemort: Exactly!  I say we escape this anger management class and join together to take over the world.


Darth Vader: That sounds like an excellent idea.  I’m tired of hearing these sob stories.  How do you suppose we take over the world?  My Death Star was blown up so we can’t use it.


Voldemort: My Death Eaters are my loyal servants. They will do anything I ask of them. There aren’t as many of them as there used to be *mumbles* (due to those meddling kids and the Order of the Phoenix.) My most loyal Death Eater, Bellatrix Lestrange, was killed by that annoying red headed she devil Molly Weasley. But, they would be more than happy to help us take over the world.


Teacher: No, this is not a place for anger and taking over the world.  Now Darth Vader, tell us where you think your anger problems started.


(Darth Vader stares at the teacher for a second then starts using the force to choke him, causing some to cheer him on and others to back away with fear)


Voldemort: Yessssss! Choke him! Don’t let them get in the way of our plans. What type of wizardry are you using to do that?


Darth Vader: I am not a wizard.  I am a Sith Lord and I am using the force.  What do you mean you are a wizard?


Voldemort: I can use magic to do many things but I can’t do anything without a wand. That Potter boy confiscated it.


(Darth Vader releases the teacher who crumples to the ground, unconscious)


Darth Vader: Your enemies stole your wand?  My enemies stole my light saber!


Voldemort: We have much in common. What is a light saber?


Darth Vader: It is plasma contained in a magnetic field that can penetrate almost any material.  It used to be the weapon of a Jedi but then the Sith adopted it.


Voldemort: What?


Darth Vader: It’s a glowing thing that kills people and pokes holes in walls.


Voldemort:  Interesting. You don’t have to use a spell to get this “light saber” to kill people?


Darth Vader: No. It’s technology, not magic.


Voldemort: Technology hmmm. Would you say it is easier to defeat your enemies with this “light saber”?


Darth Vader: I am unclear about the difficulty of the “magic” you speak of but I do know that you need skill to use a lightsaber and I’m not sure you have that skill.


Voldemort: Are you implying that I don’t have skill?


Darth Vader: You may have skill in lesser means of combat but I’m certain you do not have skill with the weapon of the Jedi and Sith.


Voldemort: You elfing, pixie loving, Mandrake, son of a demontour!


Darth Vader: (stares at Voldemort blankly with confusion) What?


Voldemort: Accio wand!


Darth Vader: (Uses the force to call his lightsaber) Now you’re asking for it!


Voldemort: Avada Kedavra!


Darth Vader: Abracadabra, really. (Blocks spell with light saber)


Voldemort: Crucio!


Darth Vader: (Blocks spell with light saber) Too easy!


(The Joker appears)


Joker: (kills them with machine gun then shakes head) That was too pathetic to watch.


(exits room)


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